A Letter to America

While listening to the radio today I heard someone mention this idea in light of the presidential inauguration. So naturally I figured I would give it a go. I hope more people I know do this because I think it is an excellent idea. We live in such a time where even singular voices can be heard and amplified... simply amazing.  

Dear America,

Very soon, if not already, Donald Trump will be sworn in as our 45th President of your United States of America. A man, mostly known for his hair-do up until now, will hold the highest office of government in our nation. Many of your people find this upsetting, in fact, about 60% do not approve of him (purportedly) and his popularity in the vote was demolished by nearly 2 million votes (factually). It is upsetting, America, and with good reason. 

There are various recordings, encounters, videos, tweets and first-hand accounts of this man displaying qualities of racism, sexism, xenophobia, homophobia, corruption, abuse of power, illegal dealings, tax evasion/optimization, verbal abuse, sexual abuse and unarguable levels of narcissism. So naturally, there are a lot of your people that not only think, The Donald, is a bad man but I think what most of them believe is not that simple. I think it may be possible that many hard-working people may think even more than this, they believe Trump is not a good American. 

A good American is so much more than who they are as a person. A good American is a patriot, a warrior and at the same time a saint. Good Americans are self-sacrificing yet ruthless. Powerful, magnanimous and humble to the point of benevolence. Good Americans are privileged yet grateful, tolerant yet all-accepting, honest and direct to a fault. There is no wonder why Trump's united front as a slogan was, "Make America Great Again," because proving he is a good American was possible even though he is a publicly flawed man. After all, it takes a good American to make America great, right, 'Merica? It worked, bigly, didn’t it?

According to the AP, 25.5% of Americans voted for Donald Trump (25.6% for HRC) and that leaves around 45% who just couldn't or wouldn't make up their mind, voted 3rd party, or simply do not have a political voice. So where are the involved warriors of freedom that America is so famous for now? Is it self-sacrificing, honest, salt-of-the-earth people who let politicians dictate the quality of life for themselves and their children? I don't think that it is heroic, proud or grateful Americans that have brought us to the place where we are today.

I think, dear America, in Donald Trump you have finally found a something of a fun-house mirror. A mirror in to the somewhat distorted reality of what you are and that mirror has just been unveiled, lifted up and shown to every other nation of the world. 

You have such a rich and dramatic history complete with heroic arcs and great depressing lows. The controversies, secrets and infringements colliding with the broadcasting of freedom, tolerance and opportunity make you what you are today. Americans are extremely brave yet as a majority are extremely fearful. They are confident, direct and well-spoken yet full of anxiety, suppressed emotions and medication. We are petty, ungrateful and entitled and many of us believe that our privilege is reason for this type of behavior. None of us pay more taxes than we owe. America is rife with sexual/racial tension and battles for supremacy and domination on all sides of the spectrum. It is not all bad but in no way is it all good. 

The good news, America: We are free. We are free to act like 13yr old children until the day we die. We can flail around causing millions of people to succeed or die one way or another and not worry about any consequences against our freedom. We can talk about regulating issues that can't be controlled. We can write laws that actually make no logical sense and we can judge people by these laws depending on our own interpretations. We are lunatics. We are completely unbalanced. We are you, America. 

That is, until we aren’t. How long can this madness last, America? Can your raving swarms of huddled masses actually hold together enough to sustain time? The reality is, A, if I may, the world is shrinking and the populations are growing. The resources that we have had in abundance, unlike many other nations of the world, are dwindling. It is as if we have been aboard this majestic Titanic for 240 years with full rations, clean water and air to spare but now the times they are a changin’. The iceberg is coming and your people may, just like the heartbroken and selfish Rose, let you drown and soon forget you.

That’s right, America, I said it, your people are forgetting you. They love the idea of you much more than the actual you. The superficial you not your rivers, your veins, your mountains, your glory, your deserts, your skin, your forests, your hair, your earth or your soul. So I hear you when you vent about being made great again… especially by this singular man who knows so very little about you.

Let’s make a deal, Ameri, or is Rica better? You and I agree that there is no way you will be made to look a fool to your European, Asian, African, South American, Australian or those few friends down in Antarctica. We have to be real about this, you’re on a blind date with Donald Trump and you have to decide what to do. Your people are paying for this date and will be along for the ride as if on one of those cheesy reality shows like, Love at First Kiss. I know in the end you will make the right decision but be careful Trump is notorious for using good people like you.

In the end, America, it is your true heart that will triumph. The seed was planted in the hearts of the oppressed long before any of them ever set foot on your soil. America, you are Heaven on Earth and the beacon of light for all those left wanting. You are the coveted, the envied, and the prized for all who desire the stuff of dreams.

It is my prayer, dear America, that you would not be falsely made great again but that through the arrogance and ignorance of our choices we rediscover how blessed we have been to have known you. Make sure that our pride is not in ourselves as your people but in your ability to make a proud and united people. May our weakest become the warriors and our filthiest sinners the saints. May God bless the cursed and gift benevolence to the most selfish of us. And may this prayer not be whispered a second too late.

God bless you, America, and good luck… you’ll need it! 

"The New Colossus"

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,

With conquering limbs astride from land to land;

Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand

A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame

Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name

Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand

Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command

The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she

With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Emma Lazarus, 1883

Hey Millennial, SO... you want to be a step-parent? 

The dating scene... not exactly was it was in the 1950's. Millennials don't marry their high school sweethearts or in most cases their college romances. Some studies have shown that people of Millennial age don't even consider marriage until their late 20's or early 30's. But here’s the thing: people are still having kids at the same ages with or without marriage. So the chances of a Millennial being single mother or dad is actually quite high. 

I can relate to this as I got married at 30 years old on the dot. There were various practical reasons for me to wait but it was more than that I felt it was necessary to wait. While I do not consider myself a Millennial, and I do escape that generalization by about 2 years, I am on the cusp and I do identify with many of the struggles and benefits Millennials face.  I also happen to be a step-dad of a now 21-year-old woman at age 35.

My life sine 12/12/12 when I said, “I do,” to my incredible wife and her 17-year-old daughter has been easily the most dramatic learning curve I have ever experienced. We all grow up hearing about the complicated nature of marriage and the practicalities of men and women learning to live with each other’s quirks and issues. Take those mountainous complications, narrow paths and compromises and add a human life to that equation… or in my case a teenager.

I’m not writing this to complain or to highlight the life I have chosen for myself but it seems highly likely for many young people that the person they fall in love with may come with a mini-them. In that case, I would like to offer some support from a male perspective as a person who has been there for the last 4 years. Disclaimer: I am not s Psychologist, Sociologist or anything like that. I am only expressing my opinion for educational and entertainment purposes.

So, Millennial, if you have indeed fallen for the person of your dreams and you find out that person has one or more kids, please consider the following:

1.   You have no idea what you are getting yourself in to.

I know this sounds harsh and negative and it is harsh, however, it doesn’t have to be negative. You have to admit you are over your head on this. You were raised in a Disney-world by TV and parenting techniques that have since been deemed failed. While you have devoted your 20’s to proving your mettle to criticizing GenX’ers and belittling Boomers you have still been held back from some major life experiences that will be necessary for you to survive parenting no matter what education level you have attained.  

2.   Become, befriend, hire or marry a financial expert.

The same resources generations ahead of you have… you don’t. Your wages are lower, your rent is higher and milk costs $5 a gallon. Jobs with benefits are harder to find and those benefits have been significantly reduced. Is this a death wish for you? No! You are a Millennial! Millennials make it work, but do know that once you decide to be an adult Millennial there are no free handouts. And remember, no matter what life stage children are in… they always cost (A LOT of) money.

3.   Understand that even though you and your partner-to-be are responsible people with relationship goals… your relationship goals are priority #2.

I have a feeling your mentality toward this may be critical since you are a giving, caring and self-sacrificing person. Why else would you want to devote your time to helping raise someone else’s kid(s)? Just know that kids deserve a ton of love and attention and especially if your partner’s child(ren) is/are old enough to know better (3+) you will have that responsibility immediately (like it or not). This takes precedence over date nights, time with friends, vacations, careers and financial goals.

4.   Your friends will not get it. Never. They will never get it.

You have amazing, beautiful, multicultural, worldly, evolved and devoted friends. I know. They are your world. You have been through everything together and you can’t imagine this ever changing. Well, it will. Your friends will still love and support you but unless they are in a similar situation (rare) they will never understand where you are at and what you are dealing with as a step-parent. Also, if many of your friends are single or even newly married themselves they may not have any kids and these are thick layers of understanding that will further affect your ability to relate. Even still, the best friends will never leave but you will notice a drift as your lifestyles will slowly diverge in certain ways.  

5.   Your parents might not get it either.

Your folks grew up in a very different world. Mine were very conservative once they decided to be married and start a family. There were no kids had outside the confines of marriage and that is their reality. Many of them were forced by their parents or partners to abort unwanted pregnancies at our age and that has caused them to harbor some strong feelings about single parents one way or another. So while it may be more or less extreme in certain cases there will be at least a little awkwardness and at most outright disappointment/disapproval. Depending on your relationship with your parents and your partner’s parents it is best to be committed and clear together about your intentions and see where that leads. You don’t need everyone’s approval to move forward but I promise you having more hands to help with kids is way better than less. The kids like it too.

6.   Your partner had a kid with someone else and its their kid too.

I feel fortunate that in my situation I will never have to deal with this. My wife’s previous partner (she was 16) has not seen or been in any contact with my wife or his daughter for the majority of her life by court order. My wife has always had full custody and (eventually) received a certain amount of child support from this person. Lucky for her, her uncle is a really good lawyer. These situations can get really ugly really fast and if your partner-of-choice has not locked in actual legal parameters for their ex and for their child(ren), you may be about to embark on a difficult path. Legal fees, emotional rollercoasters and the entire time trying to support your partner-to-be and their kid(s) through all of this. That is an extreme way to begin a life with someone. If anything, please make sure you are protected legally and know exactly what you are getting in to with your partner’s ex. The kid(s) may not be yours biologically but they will be your responsibility financially, emotionally and physically to have someone swoop in after you have made a lifetime of commitments and take legal custody (partial or not) would be devastating.

7.   No matter how awesome you are, your new step-kid(s) may not like you very much and maybe never will.

Kids don’t do change very well. Depending on their age this can be manifested in attitude or they will just outright say something. If you are taking time from them and their mom or dad and adding your opinion on their decisions and actions… they have good reason not to like you. Your ideal visualization of yourself as a parent will continually get kicked below the belt until you learn not to take yourself so seriously. Plain and simple, your partner’s kid(s) is/are not your own. You will have to defer many of your own thoughts and actions having to do with your step-kid(s) to your partner. As a dude this can be extremely emasculating especially if you were raised to be “the man of the house,” but see it as a respect thing towards your partner and their kid(s) and it can be slightly liberating. This also puts you in a unique situation to actually see how your partner in real life acts as a parent… really good info to have especially if you plan on having kids of your own eventually.

8.   You can (kind of) for once relate to generations other than your own.

Children are the ties that bind all generations together. If you have a little one or little ones, whether you are a step-family or not, you have the parental right to laugh at, share pictures of, and blow off steam about your little ones with anyone who gets it. I think this is a super positive thing for Millennials who are famously misunderstood underdogs. Having young ones gives you reasons to connect with elders and listen to their advice… for once. Don’t bother trying these things with other Millennials especially those unmarried or child-free they will block you on Facebook and Instagram and may even write passive aggressive status updates or Tweets about how they are sick of seeing kid and food photos on their social media feeds.

9.  You will, much sooner than others, realize how much more the simpler things in life matter.

Again, this goes back to the divergent paths you and those you know will be taking. You won’t see as much value in partying Vegas-style or binge drinking. Your single friends or those who are kid-free may still be in the mindset of eternal "YOLO” youth whether they admit to it or not. You call BS by having a bounce house birthday party on the weekend and cleaning the house on a Friday night. You feel entitled to be a little more tired, a bit more strapped for cash and you have less time. As a Millennial this should come second nature to you only this time you may deserve it.

10.  At the end of the day you are still you. You need to work harder to be who you want to be and you learn how to be a leader no matter who is following.

No matter what you decide in terms of choosing a partner if they have kids or not, Millennials will always be very individualistic. Where many other generations had a tendency to lose themselves in work, relationships or hobbies, Millennials will always champion their individuality. You have to stay healthy, strong and happy and while this may be more difficult with a diffused focus I promise you, it is worth it. I see no better way to be a parent or a step-parent than to take care of yourself and offer the best of yourself to your family first.