Grasping the wind

I had no expectation

Of how you called me out

Unreserved communication

No shadow of a doubt

While sipping soup and downing tea

You whispered loudly by the sea

I ignored you casually

You waited impatiently

Without clear thought or intention

I headed slowly your direction

With thoughts of friends and smoking's ends

You blew out my cigarette and made a wish

I rested sitting there; Winter air

Our meeting on the pier

Cold concrete seat; water under feet

Mind white-washed bright and clear

I arose without a thought and fought you

Knowing you would push back

I persisted forward until I had to stop

Far away from shore

At lands end I stood up high to see above the rail

No chance of sunshine, no ship at sail

I stood and greeted you

Your familiarity cold and running through me

The seabirds flew sideways 

I stood as still as a kite hovering 

Held by the powerful unseen

With an unrequited desire to dictate your movement

You are control

My glimpse of eternity 

Lapping waves right under me

My ears filled with your static lullaby

I will no longer hide, but chase you down

Having left my poker-card church creation

For I know I was born of you

And you are my final destination

On a Lighter Note

Its is rather insane how my attitude changes based on the amount of sleep I get. I feel like such a wuss. I know people who never sleep, people who sleep less than I do, and work a lot harder than I do, and somehow maintain a positive attitude. I shut down. I disconnect. If I am tired enough I have the social skills of a wet rock. 

Anyway that is not the point of this blog. The point of THIS blog is to express, in so many bubbly words, how much I simply adore my girl Leslie. I know its kind of weird for a dude to write a blog like this... men should after all reserve all their emotional thoughts to intimate moments. I don't believe that. 

I have never been with anyone who is so quick to give credence to my stupid ideas. This means a lot to me because I have many stupid ideas. For instance last night we were longing for just a quick smooch, but we were unable because I am as sick as a dog. Quickly devising a solution I suggested that facial condoms should exist for people with chronic bad breath, viruses, and bad acne. Leslie agreed, suggested we use saran wrap and take pictures of it. How awesome is that? For the curious cats out there, it worked... we got our smooch, but it certainly wasn't the same.

This is just the most recent example of how in my mind I can create a ton of ideas and never do any of them, but if I ever get the gall to suggest them my girl gives them life and makes each idea better with her touch. I can live with that. 

I am also so fervently excited about the alternate realities we bring in to each other's lives. We come from such different lifestyles and backgrounds.  Change is hard, and integrating in to someone else's reality can come easy or not at all. In our case I feel a progressive change. Instead of it being all or nothing it is gradual steps out of who I am into who we are. I dig that. Don't get me wrong we both maintain our individuality, but out relationship becomes what it is by our blending. Sometimes I think we are a lot like a good mixed drink. The roles reverse often, but in either case one of us is the nasty but wonderful hard alcohol, and the other is the sweet or practical mixer.

Individually we are rad, but together we are an all night party; we are a good mix. We are still new though. Still learning how to compliment each other and know enough about each other to brag about one another in public. Time will lend us these social graces, and so much more. I'm looking forward to it, but not without enjoying what it is right now. 

Right now it is still to good to be true. Right now I just want you. Right now you make me smile. Right now I want you.

I can't tell about tomorrow, but right now I can tell you I don't care. You are so good to me right now I don't want to go anywhere.  

Reality Bites

I'm not being negative, but quite literally reality bites.  I mean it bites like a dog bites. Recently reality unexpectedly hits me, and every new level of transition I experience comes with times when the reality of matters just hurts. All things real don't necessarily need to hurt I suppose, but it really is just a matter of perspective. Some people could see the sunset and accept that it is a beautiful reality to enjoy, and another person can think that another day ending is one less day to live. Both are true. I think the majority of people would prefer to happily accept the simpler aspects of reality; the appearance, the feeling, the emotion of reality. I find myself often, however, trying to explore the grittier side of reality; the motives, purposes, and results of reality. Ultimately I believe it is best to take the sweet with the sour, and hopefully by seeing the glory and the tragedy of this reality I can be a content man. Perhaps contented I would even begin to feel the surprising bites of reality turn into subtle nudges and nibbles. I think then I can have the presence of mind to influence my reality, roll with the punches, and even bite back here and there. 

New Slang

Yes it is true I believe the word "haggard" is the new "beat."

I find it interesting that for once slang has gone from an improper word to a proper word, and has retained its original functionality.

hag·gard [hag-erd] –adjective

1. having a gaunt, wasted, or exhausted appearance, as from prolonged suffering, exertion, or anxiety; worn: the haggard faces of the tired troops.
2. wild; wild-looking: haggard eyes.

Used in a sentence it would be something like: That guy/girl is so haggard. 

So next time you want to be an asshole be an intelligent one. Instead of saying the old news words like "beat" or "fugly" insult your victim with class. Drop the H card. 

Spin it.

I decided to poke fun/seriously restructure a list of "life phrases" that I found on a friends MySpace blog. Needless to say I don't agree with the majority of the original list. So I made some changes of my own: (The original on the top and my addendum at the bottom) Feel free to add.

Instructions for Freedom

1. Life's Metaphors are God's Instructions

2. There is nothing between you and the Infinite. Now, let go.

3. It's time for something that was beautiful turn into something that else that is beautiful. Now, let go.

4. You wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God's response. Let go, and watch the stars come out- on the outside and on the inside.

5. With all your heart, ask for grace and let go.

6. With all your heart forgive, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and let go.

7. Let your intentions be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go.

8. Watch the heat of the day pass into the cold of the night. Let go.

9. When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe. Let go.

10. When the past has passed for you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy.

-Eat, Pray, Love

~My Version~

Instruction for freedom is an oxymoron

1. Life's metaphors are life's metaphors.

2. There is one small thing standing between you and the infinite, it is called life. Now, go.

3. There is a time for light and a time for darkness, and both are equally beautiful. 

4. Your wish for resolution was your concession to laziness. Do something. God made you for more then stargazing. (Even though stargazing is awesome!) 

5. Asking for grace is about as effective as planting a money tree.

6. If you are typing on a computer and you have friends who will read this post, then you are doing a hell of a lot better then the majority of the world. Blow out the candles on your pity party cake, learn how to take care of yourself, and begin to love. 

7. Let your intentions be freedom. Suffering will always seem useless and it is completely unavoidable.

8. The heat of the day leaves long before sunset. You don't need to see it to feel it, but it is often a pretty sight. 

9. WTF is the karma of a relationship? Put down your 17 magazine, and let that shit go. Give until it hurts, and then give some more. You can't give what you don't have. 

10. The past is past. There is no access. If you have an Uncle Rico Complex then just keep on throwin' that pigskin until it goes over that mountain. 

Love, Have faith, Bring hope 

Hello Blogger.

Lately I have been in a blog lull, and I have no good reason other then I just don't think I like blogging on MySpace too much anymore. Thats a wicked poor excuse, but who said I needed a good one? You can see old blogs here.

The fact is, I want to grow up a little bit, and I feel like a natural advancement in online writing is switching from shotgun blasts of brain vomit on MySpace to more refined and well thought out blogs on Blogger. A place where I can talk about myself, as much or as little as I like. 

Not many people understand, nor do they insist to know, much about my work life. Today I arose at the chilling hour of 5am to greet the same dark diesel smoke-filled school bus yard I see every morning. I was no later then normal, about 5-10min late every day, and I got my work done regardless. I did my regular morning run that fortunately went faster then usual, and headed up to take a field trip to downtown LA. 

I love doing this trip. I know a place where I can park my bus, and in LA that is a comforting thing.  I often complain about my job, but when I get paid to stroll through the Historical Fashion District, and eat at one of my favorite breakfast/dinner spots in LA, The Pantry, it is hard to beat. 

I like to pretend when I am there that I am a fashion designer on a scouting mission or a professional musician or writer taking an all-too-common inspiration day. Resting, soaking in the richness of the metropolis, and enjoying time with my thoughts. I often think as if I am writing a blog as I walk along, as if my story is being written as I move and breathe.

 

Today I even brought my horrendously under-used camera to snap a few photos. It was stunning in the city today; the chill makes me love Winter. Also who knew that the DWP (Department of Water and Power) building had a wicked open to the public M-F cafeteria in the basement?? I didn't eat there because of the incredible sourdough french toast breakfast I had a few hours earlier, but it looked like quite a tantalizing smorgasbord. 

Today my job ruled. 

Then I found out some really sad news about how one of the Special Abilities kids I take home every afternoon was forced to move to Illinois by surprise. How fucked up is that? An adult child who just can't function normal enough to go to regular school doesn't even get told they are moving, gets checked out of school, and taken to an awaiting airplane. No goodbyes, no parties, nothing. She was such a sweetheart. I will miss her, but that is the harder part of my job, at least she still has her life. It is very disheartening when our kids pass away.