Hey Millennial, SO... you want to be a step-parent?
The dating scene... not exactly was it was in the
1950's. Millennials don't marry their high school sweethearts or in most cases their
college romances. Some studies have shown that people of Millennial age don't
even consider marriage until their late 20's or early 30's. But here’s the
thing: people are still having kids at the same ages with or without marriage.
So the chances of a Millennial being single mother or dad is actually quite
high.
I can relate to this as I got married at 30 years old on the dot. There
were various practical reasons for me to wait but it was more than that I felt
it was necessary to wait. While I do not consider myself a Millennial, and I do
escape that generalization by about 2 years, I am on the cusp and I do identify
with many of the struggles and benefits Millennials face. I also happen
to be a step-dad of a now 21-year-old woman at age 35.
My life sine 12/12/12 when I said, “I do,” to my incredible wife and her
17-year-old daughter has been easily the most dramatic learning curve I have
ever experienced. We all grow up hearing about the complicated nature of
marriage and the practicalities of men and women learning to live with each
other’s quirks and issues. Take those mountainous complications, narrow paths
and compromises and add a human life to that equation… or in my case a teenager.
I’m not writing this to complain or to highlight the life I have chosen
for myself but it seems highly likely for many young people that the person
they fall in love with may come with a mini-them. In that case, I would like to
offer some support from a male perspective as a person who has been there for
the last 4 years. Disclaimer: I am not s Psychologist, Sociologist or anything
like that. I am only expressing my opinion for educational and entertainment
purposes.
So, Millennial, if you have indeed fallen for the person of your dreams and you find out that person has one or more kids, please consider the following:
1. You have
no idea what you are getting yourself in to.
I know this sounds harsh and negative and it is harsh, however, it doesn’t
have to be negative. You have to admit you are over your head on this. You were
raised in a Disney-world by TV and parenting techniques that have since been
deemed failed. While you have devoted your 20’s to proving your mettle to
criticizing GenX’ers and belittling Boomers you have still been held back from
some major life experiences that will be necessary for you to survive parenting
no matter what education level you have attained.
2. Become,
befriend, hire or marry a financial expert.
The same resources generations ahead of you have… you don’t. Your wages
are lower, your rent is higher and milk costs $5 a gallon. Jobs with benefits
are harder to find and those benefits have been significantly reduced. Is this
a death wish for you? No! You are a Millennial! Millennials make it work, but
do know that once you decide to be an adult Millennial there are no free
handouts. And remember, no matter what life stage children are in… they always
cost (A LOT of) money.
3. Understand
that even though you and your partner-to-be are responsible people with
relationship goals… your relationship goals are priority #2.
I have a feeling your mentality toward this may be critical since you are
a giving, caring and self-sacrificing person. Why else would you want to devote
your time to helping raise someone else’s kid(s)? Just know that kids deserve a
ton of love and attention and especially if your partner’s child(ren) is/are
old enough to know better (3+) you will have that responsibility immediately (like
it or not). This takes precedence over date nights, time with friends, vacations,
careers and financial goals.
4. Your
friends will not get it. Never. They will never get it.
You have amazing, beautiful, multicultural, worldly, evolved and devoted
friends. I know. They are your world. You have been through everything together
and you can’t imagine this ever changing. Well, it will. Your friends will
still love and support you but unless they are in a similar situation (rare)
they will never understand where you are at and what you are dealing with as a
step-parent. Also, if many of your friends are single or even newly married
themselves they may not have any kids and these are thick layers of
understanding that will further affect your ability to relate. Even still, the best
friends will never leave but you will notice a drift as your lifestyles will
slowly diverge in certain ways.
5. Your
parents might not get it either.
Your folks grew up in a very different world. Mine were very conservative
once they decided to be married and start a family. There were no kids had
outside the confines of marriage and that is their reality. Many of them were
forced by their parents or partners to abort unwanted pregnancies at our age and
that has caused them to harbor some strong feelings about single parents one way
or another. So while it may be more or less extreme in certain cases there will
be at least a little awkwardness and at most outright disappointment/disapproval.
Depending on your relationship with your parents and your partner’s parents it
is best to be committed and clear together about your intentions and see where
that leads. You don’t need everyone’s approval to move forward but I promise
you having more hands to help with kids is way better than less. The kids like
it too.
6. Your
partner had a kid with someone else and its their kid too.
I feel fortunate that in my situation I will never have to deal with
this. My wife’s previous partner (she was 16) has not seen or been in any contact with my wife or his daughter for the majority of her life by court order. My wife has always had
full custody and (eventually) received a certain amount of child support from
this person. Lucky for her, her uncle is a really good lawyer. These situations
can get really ugly really fast and if your partner-of-choice has not locked in
actual legal parameters for their ex and for their child(ren), you may be about
to embark on a difficult path. Legal fees, emotional rollercoasters and the
entire time trying to support your partner-to-be and their kid(s) through all
of this. That is an extreme way to begin a life with someone. If anything,
please make sure you are protected legally and know exactly what you are
getting in to with your partner’s ex. The kid(s) may not be yours biologically
but they will be your responsibility financially, emotionally and physically to
have someone swoop in after you have made a lifetime of commitments and take
legal custody (partial or not) would be devastating.
7. No matter
how awesome you are, your new step-kid(s) may not like you very much and
maybe never will.
Kids don’t do change very well. Depending on their age this can be
manifested in attitude or they will just outright say something. If you are
taking time from them and their mom or dad and adding your opinion on their
decisions and actions… they have good reason not to like you. Your ideal
visualization of yourself as a parent will continually get kicked below the
belt until you learn not to take yourself so seriously. Plain and simple, your
partner’s kid(s) is/are not your own. You will have to defer many of your
own thoughts and actions having to do with your step-kid(s) to your partner. As
a dude this can be extremely emasculating especially if you were raised to be “the
man of the house,” but see it as a respect thing towards your partner and their
kid(s) and it can be slightly liberating. This also puts you in a unique
situation to actually see how your partner in real life acts as a parent…
really good info to have especially if you plan on having kids of your own
eventually.
8. You can
(kind of) for once relate to generations other than your own.
Children are the ties that bind all generations together. If you have a
little one or little ones, whether you are a step-family or not, you have the parental
right to laugh at, share pictures of, and blow off steam about your little ones
with anyone who gets it. I think this is a super positive thing for Millennials
who are famously misunderstood underdogs. Having young ones gives you reasons
to connect with elders and listen to their advice… for once. Don’t bother
trying these things with other Millennials especially those unmarried or
child-free they will block you on Facebook and Instagram and may even write
passive aggressive status updates or Tweets about how they are sick of seeing
kid and food photos on their social media feeds.
9. You will,
much sooner than others, realize how much more the simpler things in life
matter.
Again, this goes back to the divergent paths you and those you know will
be taking. You won’t see as much value in partying Vegas-style or binge
drinking. Your single friends or those who are kid-free may still be in the
mindset of eternal "YOLO” youth whether they admit to it or not. You call
BS by having a bounce house birthday party on the weekend and cleaning the
house on a Friday night. You feel entitled to be a little more tired, a bit more
strapped for cash and you have less time. As a Millennial this should come
second nature to you only this time you may deserve it.
10. At the end of the day you are still you. You need to work harder to be who you want to be and you learn how to be a leader no matter who is following.
No matter what you decide in
terms of choosing a partner if they have kids or not, Millennials will always
be very individualistic. Where many other generations had a tendency to lose
themselves in work, relationships or hobbies, Millennials will always champion
their individuality. You have to stay healthy, strong and happy and while this
may be more difficult with a diffused focus I promise you, it is worth it. I
see no better way to be a parent or a step-parent than to take care of yourself
and offer the best of yourself to your family first.
