Living in Love

Life is constantly starting over and past successes and failures are mountains already climbed.

Earlier last week I caught a blurb on KCRW about entropy and the speaker spoke of it in a personal sense. We often live in routine and create momentum through it. This is our life style: the consistent momentum of our lives. Eventually, many of the directions we move entropy or degenerate. We slow down certain habits or stop them completely. This is a physical cycle. Life within life.

Most people would never know but for 2 or 3 years I have been so overwhelmed within myself. The people I know best know I hide it really well, but I have been a total nervous wreck for a while. Yesterday I realized something: It is OK.

I don't like to use too much pop-psychology but it has been a defense mechanism. A few years ago I made several major changes in my own life, and the shift of momentum is an incredibly difficult phase. Physically momentum takes time and work. Often I see tragedy, mourning and sadness as counterproductive but all of that is work that builds momentum.

The small things are the hardest. For instance: Anyone who knew me 5 years ago would know that I would scoff at the very idea of wearing cowboy boots. Ever. It was all about the skater shoes. So comfortable in my CT IIIs. Vintage clothes were pointless. I could get Hurley shirts for $5 at a warehouse sale. Jeans were jeans. Drinking was either an art or a bad habit, and smoking was out of the question (except for the occasional hookah encounter). My friends were all at church and my life revolved around ministry.

When all of this changed in my life I felt a sense of loss. Loss hurts and so I thought that hating these things about myself would inspire a change. A new me. I moved on by myself to survive. Throughout this process of scowling at my past I met new people and tried new things. All of these while bearing the burden of my past. Refusing to let it go even though I hated it.

Carrying a load of hate crushed me. What I realized only yesterday while outside of Starbucks was that I didn't need to hate anymore. I was wearing my vintage Lees, vintage white V, vintage brown leather jacket and some brown vintage boots smoking a cigarette and it all came to me. My past was awesome, and my present is far greater.

The small things change quickly but relationships are thew hardest work. My people are always number one to me. So to loose relationships that I held so dear was extremely painful, and to live without being able to trust anyone new was a trap. Now I am again surrounded by amazing people and this is my realization. I have people I love again, and the people from my past that I still love I love even more.

My faith. My irreplaceable family. My para-families the Crains, Dishons, and Kernkamps. Were it not for Brian Crain and Billy I would have no sense for clothing (and I would have one less tattoo). If not for Billy I would have given up my dream to play music, and invariably many other dreams. Barrett has added years to my soul through our conversations and Dallas infinitely inspires me. Ryan, Heather, and Andi are my comedic and intellectual muses and the list goes on and on...

Work we do in life creates our momentum over time. Valuing others and working on relationships with people can often seem hopeless, but the fact is that it is always worth it. Even if relationships entropy from time to time it is always worth it.

I am looking forward to living in love again.

Sea Change

There are very few times when I have seen waves break past the Huntington Beach Pier. I have lived here all my life and have seen a few storms but they usually come and go so quickly that there is never a sense of action. Seemingly most people just become confused, drive really cautiously/dangerously and eventually become annoyed by nature's inconvenience after a day or two.

I only say this because I have felt this way over the last few days. I can't help it, it is in my blood. However, I had a spark of enthusiasm today when my friend Dan mentioned he was going to go check out the waves. You know when I have lived in Santa Ana too long when this didn't even cross my mind during the still of the storm.

It was fantastic. There is nothing like the wind at the end of a pier or on a high hill overlooking the ocean. The sunset was stifled by the storm system that looked like it was sharing its bounty with Catalina Island, but that didn't hamper the sheer nature going on just in front of Ruby's Diner.

Beloved Friends

Something I am used to, being only potentially wealthy, is managing what little options I have and enjoying the simplicity of discovering the new. This has given me such a love/hate relationship with traveling alone. My first trip to Spain was a solo mission to Zaragoza and talk about limited options. I barely found the train from Madrid and when I did eventually arrive I had no idea where I was and nobody wanted to speak English to me. Being shy myself I was at a loss of communication until my friend Lee showed up for a few days. I loved Zaragoza and the little of Madrid I saw, but honestly what I remember most was my time alone. I had no car, no phone, no friends, and not much money, and this was exhilarating to me.

Now I just arrived a few weeks ago from my second trip to Spain where I was in a similar situation. This time Barcelona. Why Spain you may ask? I have wondered the same thing, but honestly I travel by my gut and, of course, opportunity. Spain has called me twice. This trip was especially fantastic because I was generously hosted by my beloved friend Crissy and my friend Dan was travelling there. We spent the whole two weeks together, with and without Dan, and similarly to my previous trip, it is not the city I remember but the time we spent there.

This trip I learned that people see what they want to see wherever they go. Sure Antoni Gaudí's architecture is beautiful and the Spanish sunrise over the Mediterranean is awe inspiring. Riding bikes through the carefully lit streets and fighting the crowds on las ramblas will always stay in my mind, but those are subtext to me.

I see everyone laughing at Dan while having Fernando's birthday dinner. I see Crissy's tiny dog, Lola, peeing all over the place when I walked in the house for the first time. I see eating grapes while the ball drops on New Years. I see the people I met personally and their unique quirks. There are so many special and unique memories I could write for days.

Many people can have Spain, or anywhere they want, but only I have these friends and these moments. These are my world and they mean the world to me.

So to my beloved friends I say thank you for such precious moments. Each one a journey, an inspiration, and a precious memory.

GO GO Wiki Heritage!

Ancestry is an important thing. I often think of how much my family line actually affects who I am, how I feel, and where I will go. Is there something distinctively German about me? Do I have Italian feet? Would my hairless chest have been displayed in the Egyptian Pyramids??

First and foremost, I am an American. This for me means I don't know really anything about my ancestry. My extended family is spread out all over the place and I honestly don't know much more then a few of their names. For several years I have wanted to remedy this to no avail, but this will be my first step because this Christmas I got some interesting news... I am Swiss!

As it turns out I am mostly Swiss! One one hand this simplifies my lack of direction when it comes to my heritage, but since Swiss means a lot of things to this American I have decided to Wikipedia Switzerland and see how I fit in with my kinsmen.

Here are 10 reasons why I am proud to be (supposedly) Swiss.

1. My country makes scientific breakthroughs in chocolate. Daniel Peter invented Milk Chocolate in 1875, but I still can't make the jump from good old fashioned dark. I am old school Swiss.

2. Switzerland has been making Pinot Noir since the Romans owned the place. This explains that place in my heart for that beautiful varietal, and all this time I thought it was Paul Giamatti in Sideways.

3. There is a traditional Swiss wrestling-like sport called Schwingen.

4. The Swiss' life expectancy is of the highest in the world: 79 for men and 84 for women. Now I know why I have always felt that live hard and die young could never apply to me.

5. The Swiss don't believe in making things "official." There is no official Religion, no official linguistic identity, and no official allegiance to any other country. Huzzah for intentional neutrality!

6. One of the most widely used sans-serif typefaces in the world, Helvetica, is totally Swiss. Take THAT Tahoma!

7. A variety of the unofficial motto of Switzerland was used in 1844 by the French writer Alexandre Dumas' in his, The Three Musketeers, "One for all, all for one."

8. Even though Switzerland is a place I have never visited. I can still agree, laugh and relate to most of the things on this list.

9. Swiss humor rules. "A line is a dot that went for a walk." -Paul Klee

10. Zürich and Geneva have respectively been ranked as having the second and third highest quality of life in the world. Psh... Mercer Consulting who conducted this study is Canadian owned, I think if the Swiss did this research it would be a bit more accurate.