Smell of the Sickle

Do you ever have those moments where you just feel like something major is going to happen? Like you are on the brink of disaster or your need to prepare to face a great challenge? Like death is looming around? But at the same time there is a feeling of great excitement and expectation?

Perhaps it is a misconception of my mind. That all the new beginnings I see somehow mean the end of what has been for so long. I just hope that my preconceptions are wrong. I guess, just like most people, when someone I love goes to another country it causes me worry and distress. I'm a worst case scenario type of guy.

There are a lot of people in my life that I cannot loose. I just can't say I love them enough. I just can't be any more grateful. I know there is a God and God gives and takes away.

I just want to take a minute and say thanks for giving and regardless of how it all ends my heart will truly remain yours forever.

Toxins are real

So a little update from my previous blog...

This weekend I found out the limit my body can handle toxins... not fun.

Note to everyone... when in physical therapy or at any point when toxins are roaming free in your body en masse, do yourself a favor, don't drink and smoke the night away two nights in a row.

I really think I almost died this weekend. I have never felt so sick. My self-diagnosis is toxin OD. I poisoned myself... Lesson learned.

Cigarettes are in the trash... and I am not drinking like I planned to this weekend at Matty B's bachelor party.

I still feel like I got run over by a car and I am going to see Death Cab tomorrow night. Maybe their sadness will make me feel better as is seems to lately.

Twisted and Shout

Do you know that when you work out extensively and/or strain your muscles you are actually tearing your muscles? This is good for one reason: Whatever gets torn gets rebuilt stronger. So when you get all torn up your body fixes itself using the nutrients you take in to reform muscle tissue stronger then it was before. Now if you incur a muscle related injury that disallows the muscles to repair themselves in the correct alignment your muscles still repair themselves, but the injury prevents these muscles from healing in their natural alignment. Therefore, the healed muscles become what are referred to as knots or twisted up muscle tissue. Many people have stress related knots, injury related knots, and other twisted muscles in their body, but are unsure of how to deal with them so they remain knotted. This is rather unhealthy because knotted muscles disallow the free flow of nutrients, oxygen, and blood through the parts of the body that are knotted as well the muscles begin to swell taking up invaluable space for joints and ligaments to move efficiently. These swollen muscles cause discomfort in the body and also are a harbor for toxins that are supposed to be washed through the body. At this point the muscles need to be realigned, and that is where massage comes in. The general idea of massage is to assist blood flow, break bad muscle bonds, and to alleviate knotted muscles by realigning them to the natural positions. Massage unwinds the twisted muscles, and not much unlike a dirty drain, once the muscles unwind all the toxins and bad bond tissue that were comfortably rotting for so long become released into the body.

I have learned this over the past week as I have been doing physical therapy for my legs and shoulders , which apparently have been heavily knotted for almost 2 years. My therapist, Jason, is a big burly man who digs his elbows into my highly sensitive quads, hams, calves, buttocks, and shoulders twice a week. It hurts like a bitch, it is expensive, but I really feel like in the end this is a wise decision as I do want to be able to walk when I am 50.

It is just so interesting to learn about the things that happen in my body that I have control over but in the end I don't. The better I eat the more nutrition rich my blood is, and the more I exercise the more oxygen rich my blood is, but when it comes down to it I can only help my body I don't control it. My muscles knot, I can try to stretch, drink water, and exercise moderately, but ultimately I never know if I will cramp up or run like a champion. So I guess all I can do is my best. I think that rule applied over ones life is a good standard of practice.

I want to do my best in every situation, and when I get knotted up I want to make sure there are people I can call to help me unwind.

The Right White

How can I forget about my past when it was so simple? Everything meant so much all the time. Every detail was analyzed and every moment was the first of many to come. There was so much that was right and wrong, and there was a reason to hold on to what was right. I thought that if I did the right things that when I was older it would be easier to continue doing right things, and that somehow it would all pay off. I remember the smile of my old ex from just after high school. The love we shared, the laughs, vacations, Holidays, and how we spoke so assuredly about our promising future together. We were beautiful.

Ironically, our relationship ended because I felt I was doing the right thing. It destroyed both of us. In many ways I envy her because at least everyone is aware of how fucked up her life became. I, on the other hand, appeared unscathed, and it seems I still retain what she let go of over 6 years ago. I let it go now and again, but when it comes down to it I will never forget her smile. To this day it is unmatched, and my optimism is on the wane for another of that caliber.

I feel pathetic, but I wonder right now if it were my son and if it was our mobile home.

However, I always remind myself of the strong possibility that perhaps I just want the past back, not her, and I am extraordinarily intimidated by the future because I am longing for the past in my present.

But all the philosophies and psychologies in the world can't erase that smile.

This rough and tumble road towards imperfection

Too many alarm buzzing snooze hitting mornings
I eat traffic for breakfast cooking at 79 mph just in case
Slurping that office cereal gauging my day email by email

Technological battle ground ready armed with laser mouse and keyboard
Take the bite off the tongue and let it roll through the fingers
Torrents of immediacy and stagnation of procrastination

Casual conversation and overpriced calories
Blurry eyed MySpace hopes and much needed distraction
Maximizing and minimizing programs to look really important

Furrowed brow and intent stare to avoid chit chat
Deeper thoughts of futuristic successes and adventures
Justifying the present as a necessary evil

Walk to dinner drink some beer hope to make some friends
Smoke a cig and watch the clouds while walking on them
Play the guitar to the fireworks out the window

Wrestle the dog until we've both had enough
Grab the keys and go see the boys over more beer
Avoid much sports detail, but enjoy the moment

Tell the whole world.

Waffley Good Day

This morning I went on a ride from Santa Ana down to San Juan Capistrano to the LAST organic fruit stand in the OC to get some produce. Matt, my new housemate, and I grabbed some fruits and veggies and threw them in our backpack and headed to the train station to get back to Santa Ana. We got home, cleaned up, and Krista, Matt's wife, joined us to help making apricot whole-wheat waffles topped with crushed honey almonds, vanilla bean syrup, and fresh locally grown blueberries.

I feel so green and clean like the city dirt has been scoured off of me with the sharp side of an aloe vera plant.

Sweet Nothings

Contradiction is the essence of life, and the basis of religion.

People gain hope by having faith in something that is perfect.

The rest are different ways to get yourself to that perfection.

Faith, hope, and love. The greatest of these is love.

And none of those will ever pass away.

Another Moment of Socio-Religious Dialogue

Tonight I was reminded of a trip I once took to Hsi Lai Temple. This is one of the largest Buddhist Temples in the United States, and it is right off Beach Blvd. in Hacienda Heights. When I was there I was introduced to several Buddhist ideas that I still remember from the tour.

Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe there is a Buddhist philosophy that states something along the lines of, "Whatever you can identify and understand, you can overcome." Take for instance Alcoholics Anonymous. The first steps is to admit you have an alcohol problem, and you are powerless to overcome it. Then you begin taking steps to strengthen yourself in order to build the will to overcome your powerlessness over your addiction. Eventually the more you understand your power vs. your weakness the more you are able to operate in your power because of your understanding of your weakness.

Naturally, being the Philosopher that I wish I could be, I was wondering how this compared to a generalized Christian Philosophy, and why our society insists on constructing walls between religions instead of gaining more insight through different perspectives. I think this Buddhist Philosophy is very helpful to many people who have a need to gain spiritual strength.

There are certainly Christian ideals that run the same lines. However, I think there, generally is a misunderstanding on the Christian side. I think some Christian people believe they can admit they are powerless to overcome something, but instead of taking the initiative to allow a higher power to support their efforts to become healthy, they abandon the responsibility to the higher power. An example would be: I am powerless to quit drinking. God stop me from drinking. Amen. This is fallacy. Now, I am not trying to say that the Buddhists have it right all the way, but I think it is obvious that the abandonment theory probably doesn't work out for many people. Again not ALL Christians do this, but I have been around... been there done and seen that.

Here is the thing... there has to be some external benefit for the individual to desire change. For the Buddhist I believe it is enlightenment, liberation, and ultimately Nirvana. For the Christian it is eternal bliss in Heaven, and permanent communion with God eternally. This is where the difference in ideal perspective, in my opinion, rests. The Buddhist admits weakness to become enlightened or to overcome weakness, and the Christian overcomes weakness by understanding weakness. This is complicated. Christianity from what I know musters strength from weakness, and Buddhism taps into existing strength by identifying weakness.

The funny thing is that in our culture the two ideals are so intertwined that it is hard to distinguish them from one another... not to mention post-modern secular humanism couldn't give half a rat's ass for either method because it chants, "In reason we trust." I just think it is hilarious to see, especially these three, philosophies constantly screwing people, including myself, in the head. It is hard to make a decision when all your ideals contradict each other.

If anyone ever wants to goo to Hsi Lai I am so down... the vegetarian buffet there is amazing, the view is beautiful, and it is overall a peaceful way to spend an afternoon. Lets GO!