More Emo Than Tattoos.

It is rather amazing what two depressed people can accomplish.
Just goes to show that timing is everything.

Because the second she was happy was the second I got upset.
And the minute I'd remember was the minute she'd forget.
Just like the hours we spent together we now spend apart.
It was time brought us together, and time ripped us apart.

I leave my mark on the heart not the sleeve.
Call it whatever, may it seem meaningful, it is not my deed.
Because the worse the pain, the less its seen.
Or should I say scene?

HE HATE? O, LEARN

I wish that the silence would cease its incessant screaming.
Because I miss, all honesty and maturity aside, something beyond.
But what I see is broken.
A bittersweet revelation that proves a love unreal.
Broken vases, glorified dust, pieces thrust upon the ground.

Growth is perceived, but shattered pieces only continue to splinter.
The gradual cutting of ourselves against our jagged edges.
Making, in no uncertain terms, an impossibility.
I won't choose it; love still has to make sense.

But you linger so near in my thoughts, and in my heart.
Agitating my fear that I hope will not always make me wonder:
Is it love how one knows all along yet dares not ignore the siren song?

I hate how you inspire me.
Just by being you.
You don't need me.
Stop saying that you do.

CHI TOWN

Here it is the moment of truth... the very reason why I was sent out to Chi Town: The EX Awards! Event Marketer Magazine is about to award my company 1st, 2nd, or 3rd place based on our hospitality element that we created for Vivendi Games. Not being an industry person at all quite yet prevents me from being too excited about this. (Even though we are up against the company that did Superbowl XLI and the company that works with Infinity.) OK... actually I am really excited. One: the lobby is full of cool people... FINALLY!! No more drunk old people... Two: There is a way less awkward energy now that the awards are in a few hours. Awkwardness exchanges for excitedness with great relief to my anxiety. I HATE awkwardness. I think I can be so awkward just depending on who I am talking to.

SO far in Chicago I have purchased cigarettes for a bum... perhaps not the greatest idea. I ate way too much deep-dish pizza, and would be happy not to reflect on that moment on my life again. I played beer-pong with some locals right next to Lincoln Park. I walked around the city for several hours. I took a cab to Wrigley Field and observed the pandaemonium that follows a successful Cub's game. (Its like TJ run by white people). I made a few networking contacts (harder then it sounds, awkwardness remember?) I successfully linked my G4 to the internet via bluetooth from my cell phone (basically THE most awesome thing ever!), I strolled through Millennium Park, and saw the Art Institute of Chicago's Winslow Homer and Edward Hopper exhibits. I love American art. I most enjoyed Homer's watercolor it was absolutely inspiring.

Now off I go to shower put on my suit and shake some hands... hopefully I don't have to give a speech!

Wild as the Wind is

I am off to Chicago for the weekend kids... hopefully when I get back I will write of pizza, blues, women and booze.

Blogger is my Wilson

Instead of church it is a coffee shop
She traded her robe for a low cut top
Decided to live life and never stop
She can laugh without one drop

Instead of a prayer it is genuine care
Instead of the Bible a book
She opts to kiss instead of shake hands
Her standards precede her looks

She isn't always doing well and so good
When honesty takes place of lip service
She now thinks about where she belongs
Blinded, forlorn, and nervous

But she knows and that is what flatters
She makes her decisions on all her life's matters
An island as deep as the dark blue sea
A calm beach complete with coconut tree

Bottom Side Up

Do you want a surefire method that will ensure you are sad and miserable the entirety of your existence?

It is easy. Just ask yourself on a regular basis, "Why am I so sad?" 

It starts immediately with a confession that you indeed are sad, and there is nothing wrong with admitting you are sad at all. However, that isn't the intent instead you are trying to figure out WHY you are sad, and this has always left me much worse off then when I began. Long story short: There is an infinite amount of things that we can be sad about on a regular basis. 

It seems the same goes with disappointment, frustration, and hopelessness. 

Yet, I find it rather absurd to practice the opposite. 

Why would you want to find out WHY you are happy? 

I find that I can easily just BE happy, but I struggle, repress, and analyze the urge to BE sad. 

Besides what shock or mystery is coupled with joy? Doesn't true art bleed out of the conflicted, the dreary, and the frustrated? Take myself for instance, I wrote the most during a time of my life when I felt the saddest... actually not true. 

I wrote a ton more before, the only difference it was for me. I had a LJ at one point, yes, but I have 3 journals full of writing that precede any writing I have accomplished online. Yet, now I have neglected my journal and opted to display my "public appropriate" postings for all to see.

Ohhh aren't I smart? OOOOhhh what a good point. Or OOOOOHHHHH I just love reading your blog, but I have no opinion on anything you have written.  

I just want attention. 

PS: I still smoke... wondering if I really am addicted or if I should stop caring all together. 

PPS: I tried to drink just wine and it made me feel like shit. So I am drinking my regulars. 

PPPS: If you are familiar with my previous entry about women in the workplace I understand better now. Women at my work walk fast because they have a ton of work to do, and a family to get home to, unlike me, and they have deadlines, unlike me.

Thank yous

I would like to say, in an internet way, thank you to all those who made it out to the Ship on Friday night. Personally, I drag ass usually on friday nights so I really appreciate the tired folk who gave that extra effort to eat dinner with me. It means a ton. If you fancy photography, I have the pics from my phone here on my Flickr account. There aren't many so if you can share some please do. 

I loved all of the cards I received this year. Usually I have no second thoughts about trashing Birthday cards, but this year I am holding on to them for a while. Especially those that took obvious thought, time, and effort. Brian C gave me the most thoughtful card... its hard for a guy not to look gay giving a card like that. So props Brian. Elisabeth B gave me a good one... it was a Father's Day card... who's yo daddy? Brian D gave me his always hilarious pointless card with funny illustration, and best in show card from the amazing selection at the $0.99 store. The remainder are still kept. The thoughtful variety. My type of card. 

I also got a few MUST SEE movies. If you are perverted like me and you have a sense of humor come watch Romance & Cigarettes with me. A brilliant mock-musical with ALL of my favorite actors/actress in it written by John Turturro and Coen Bros. I also got No Country for Old Men, also a Coen film which I loved. Finally, I received Monty Python's Meaning of Life. I haven't seen anything in it yet except some skit with an incredibly fat man vomiting the whole time... disgusting, but may make for an entertaining evening... perhaps. 

All in all I feel so lucky, and so stupid at the same time. Who has over 20 people at their dinner table in their honor and ever has the right to feel lonely? How do I ever have an excuse to feel unwanted or despised? How could it even be logical that I feel depressed, alone, uncertain, etc? 

With that said I have made a decision since my birthday. I will not ever feel that way so long as I am able. I quit smoking cigarettes and other such incendiary herbals. I am temporarily reserved to drinking only wine, and only to my cheer not to my buzz.  I forgot somewhere along the line that I am a healthy person. A clean person. And that health and cleanliness must indeed extend to my lungs, brain, and heart as well. 

Spring is a time of clean. New beginnings. And I intend to make this Spring my platform for the inevitably beautiful summer that is on the horizon. 

And nothing is going to stop me.

Another Year in the Books

My friends,

I hope you can make it out to celebrate with me this Friday at 8pm at The Olde Ship. I will reserve a table and I will be there ready to eat at 8pm. Come out, buy me a beer or three, and come over to my house for a BJYB (Bring Justin Your Booze) afterparty around 10:30ish! Crashing options available... Also I am open to any after-party event ideas... I always default to putting on some music and hanging out. Perhaps even a Hookah session will be in order.

So come and hang out, eat dinner, drink, and meet the people I hang out with that aren't you. Really, all I want to is be surrounded by loved ones on my birthday. If you have ANY questions, ask! If you aren't sure if you are invited... you are.

No obligations ever... BUT,
Gift Reccommendations: Money and Beer
Alternate Gift Reccommendations: Beer and Money
(Functional and gender appropriate gift certificates are also acceptable gifting methods)