Earlier last week I caught a blurb on KCRW about entropy and the speaker spoke of it in a personal sense. We often live in routine and create momentum through it. This is our life style: the consistent momentum of our lives. Eventually, many of the directions we move entropy or degenerate. We slow down certain habits or stop them completely. This is a physical cycle. Life within life.
Most people would never know but for 2 or 3 years I have been so overwhelmed within myself. The people I know best know I hide it really well, but I have been a total nervous wreck for a while. Yesterday I realized something: It is OK.
I don't like to use too much pop-psychology but it has been a defense mechanism. A few years ago I made several major changes in my own life, and the shift of momentum is an incredibly difficult phase. Physically momentum takes time and work. Often I see tragedy, mourning and sadness as counterproductive but all of that is work that builds momentum.
The small things are the hardest. For instance: Anyone who knew me 5 years ago would know that I would scoff at the very idea of wearing cowboy boots. Ever. It was all about the skater shoes. So comfortable in my CT IIIs. Vintage clothes were pointless. I could get Hurley shirts for $5 at a warehouse sale. Jeans were jeans. Drinking was either an art or a bad habit, and smoking was out of the question (except for the occasional hookah encounter). My friends were all at church and my life revolved around ministry.
When all of this changed in my life I felt a sense of loss. Loss hurts and so I thought that hating these things about myself would inspire a change. A new me. I moved on by myself to survive. Throughout this process of scowling at my past I met new people and tried new things. All of these while bearing the burden of my past. Refusing to let it go even though I hated it.
Carrying a load of hate crushed me. What I realized only yesterday while outside of Starbucks was that I didn't need to hate anymore. I was wearing my vintage Lees, vintage white V, vintage brown leather jacket and some brown vintage boots smoking a cigarette and it all came to me. My past was awesome, and my present is far greater.
The small things change quickly but relationships are thew hardest work. My people are always number one to me. So to loose relationships that I held so dear was extremely painful, and to live without being able to trust anyone new was a trap. Now I am again surrounded by amazing people and this is my realization. I have people I love again, and the people from my past that I still love I love even more.
My faith. My irreplaceable family. My para-families the Crains, Dishons, and Kernkamps. Were it not for Brian Crain and Billy I would have no sense for clothing (and I would have one less tattoo). If not for Billy I would have given up my dream to play music, and invariably many other dreams. Barrett has added years to my soul through our conversations and Dallas infinitely inspires me. Ryan, Heather, and Andi are my comedic and intellectual muses and the list goes on and on...
Work we do in life creates our momentum over time. Valuing others and working on relationships with people can often seem hopeless, but the fact is that it is always worth it. Even if relationships entropy from time to time it is always worth it.
I am looking forward to living in love again.
