How can I forget about my past when it was so simple? Everything meant so much all the time. Every detail was analyzed and every moment was the first of many to come. There was so much that was right and wrong, and there was a reason to hold on to what was right. I thought that if I did the right things that when I was older it would be easier to continue doing right things, and that somehow it would all pay off. I remember the smile of my old ex from just after high school. The love we shared, the laughs, vacations, Holidays, and how we spoke so assuredly about our promising future together. We were beautiful.
Ironically, our relationship ended because I felt I was doing the right thing. It destroyed both of us. In many ways I envy her because at least everyone is aware of how fucked up her life became. I, on the other hand, appeared unscathed, and it seems I still retain what she let go of over 6 years ago. I let it go now and again, but when it comes down to it I will never forget her smile. To this day it is unmatched, and my optimism is on the wane for another of that caliber.
I feel pathetic, but I wonder right now if it were my son and if it was our mobile home.
However, I always remind myself of the strong possibility that perhaps I just want the past back, not her, and I am extraordinarily intimidated by the future because I am longing for the past in my present.
But all the philosophies and psychologies in the world can't erase that smile.
