So tonight my Uncle called me out of the blue. He lives in Utah and I rarely get to see him. Growing up my Uncle was always my hero because he was a ton more spiritually and emotionally involved in my life then my dad ever could be. At this thought I realize how thankful I am for how physically present my dad always was in my life... which was probably a huge deal for him never having a dad himself. Anyway, he called me to tell me some of the thoughts he was having about God and how he has been feeling about relating to God in his own life.
Any other person I would have turned a deaf ear to, but not my Uncle. He has always taken opportunities to engage me in theological and spiritual conversations because this is something of great importance to him. I used to just casually listen and silently agree with most of what he had to say, but now the tone in his voice is different. My Uncle recently was divorced after a 17 year marriage, and his perspective on love, God, and relationships has been very much affected by that. I realized tonight that the trauma of losing one's ideals can be so crippling. Some people go on to never idealize anything again so as not to feel that pain, and others try to indulge in every ideal situation only to be left empty again.
I hesitate to say this, but I really feel like these types of situations fall under the age old, "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger," category. I say this because my Uncles idealism about church and God now seems tempered by the sting of the un-ideal situation most people refer to as real life. What inspired me most about our conversation was the point at which we were discussing passion.
Passion is quite a buzz word, whose ulterior meaning is suffering by the way, that has such an attractive connotation to so many people. I proceeded to explain to my Uncle that I am passionless. I have no uncontrollable desire to do anything, and I generally find people rather repulsive and untrustworthy. I used to feel like I loved everyone. Like there was nothing anyone could do to hurt me because I would take the higher road; I would do the right thing constantly. It was like a drug. Now I don't feel that way, and I really don't know what to do.
This is the part that will always stay with me. My Uncle proceeded to say something to the tune of, "well, I think it is OK that you feel that way. That passion you felt before was contrived, and the lack of false passion is the beginning of real passion."
It is OK to feel passionless. You may not feel attractive or desirable in the process, but don't shut off. The lack of feeling passionate is the firebrand of passion. That is amazing. If people accept you tell them everything you know, and if people do not accept you don't even bother with them for another minute.
As long as you believe in the truth, you hold the truth, you are the truth, and you deliver the truth. No matter how you feel about what the truth should be. It will be seen in and through you despite you, and that is the highest calling a person can attain to: Representing the truth.
