Thursday night

Went out for a night of drinking, music, and good times at Memphis and the Gypsy tonight.

I got a ride home with a gay Mexican... poor guy I hope he picks up a gay guy next time!!

Passsssss out time...


Goodnight!!

<3 <3 <3

Chocolat

Brilliant, extraordinary, and seductively inspiring.

I love when a movie of this caliber sneaks by me and 8 years later I watch it at the perfect time. Another perfect Fairy Tale.

God I am so glad I had a chunk of dark chocolate tonight.

Thought of the other day.

Our live are ALWAYS the best stories and are only noticed at the right time of reflection.

There is nothing uninteresting, boring, or mundane about life.

Read your story right.

The Sky is on Fire with a Cool Summer Wind

Tonight I took a well deserved break.

I worked hard all day, went to the gym, grabbed some El Pollo, and brought it home to eat. I know it was a cheapo meal, but do you ever feel like you just ate the perfect amount of food for dinner? It was just right... Go El Pollo meals under $5 menu.

After milling about my house and checking my email I took an opportunity to relax. I went to my car grabbed a cigarette, took the elevator up to my place and poured a 1/4" of good tequila in a glass. I took my smoke and my glass out to my dark patio high above Spurgeon Street and I sat in our wooden chair at our wooden table.

I sat as I lit my cigarette and took a deep breath after enjoying a warming sip of my anejo tequila. Two palm trees are at 12 o'clock that tower a good 30' above me all the way up here, and the quarter moon was bright at 2 o'clock. There are two other palms at 3:30 that twin the others in height and beauty, and they all slightly swayed in the calm summer breeze that was floating in the summer air. I could tell that it was exactly 9:30pm as Disneyland's fireworks began to pop at 5 o'clock right over the Santa Ana Corporate complex in bright yellows, reds, and blues. Cars drove by below as I traded glances at the fireworks, the moon, the palms, and my patio just thinking about how blessed I am.

I get to enjoy the place I live. I live in a beautiful state, city, county, Street, apartment. I am not very far from work. I enjoy what I do for work, and I still have time to reflect, exercise, and write. I am not far from my family, and I have some really good friends that I can call any time to just enjoy times like these with me.

There is one thing that has been pressing my mind this week: Don't stop.

I think too often for fear of being overwhelmed or exasperated I stop. I call it relaxing, but it is not relaxing. Tonight was relaxing. Stressing out and procrastinating is not relaxing it is stopping. Stopping your movement. There is too much awesome things to do to just stop. Like last night for instance. Instead of sitting at home and stopping I played guitar by bon fire at the beach and grabbed a drink with a good friend. Sure, I worked all day, sure I had to drive all the way to CDM, but it was worth it. It was relaxing, it was relieving, it was recreation. RE-CREATION. There are so many activities that bring me alive so why stop for fear of being over-active? It is when you stop you get sick, tired, bored, sad, depressed, and lonely. Relaxing is intentionally focusing on relaxation. Treating yourself. Enjoying the simple pleasures of life.

Take a night off. If you need help relaxing, come relax with me!

Mexican

This week I went to El Torito (AKA expensivo comida de fake-o Mexicano) with a group of people from my work to welcome a new employee to our sister company FormDecor Modern Furniture Rental. It is a rare occasion when we all get to go to lunch, but usually a good one. I am fortunate to work with some people that are pretty cool. This is one of my first experiences working with people who are generally near my age bracket as opposed to banking and bus driving where I was always the baby.

Anyway, over lunch I was trying to communicate in HORRIBLE Spanish with a couple of FD employees who work in our shop. Neither one of them speak a touch of English, but they are good workers and I always throw out a que onda? to one of them on a weekly basis. Somehow it came out that I live in Santa Ana and play music, and through our HR manager I had a brief conversation with one of the workers. He also plays music and lives in Santa Ana. So naturally I thought to invite him and his buddy to the Gypsy Den to hear Cynthia and I play some music. He responded indifferently and indicated that he would not be welcome in a place like the Gypsy Den because it was too white of a place for him to go. So, feeling a little misunderstood I brushed it off and asked where I could go see him to play. He responded again completely disinterested and said something about how he plays in a house, and the conversation was basically over at that point.

I left feeling upset in a way. Obviously if you go to the Gypsy in Santa Ana it is not all white people... is it? I thought how amazing it would be if someone went up at open mic and sang a song in Spanish... who cares if you don't speak english at that point? I guess I can flip it and think about how I would probably never go to an open mic in a Mexican coffee shop by myself, but I don't know about any Mexican coffee shops.

Moving to Santa Ana has really shown me the rift between the white and Mexican community. I have noticed a lot of the white people in this area are complete pricks... I don't know why, but I can tell that there is not good blood between the Brown and White in my neck of the city. Nothing hostile that I am aware of more like passive aggressive indifference. Tolerance.

So as I pondered how my car gets backed into while I watch from my balcony, and how I get completely ripped off if I try to buy cookies from the roach coach on my street as I walked down my stairs. Tired, like I always am in the morning, I was extra annoyed by my growing angst for indifferent Mexicans in my neighborhood. A family of three Mexicans waked out of their house in my complex. The mother was going to walk her third grade looking son and her kindergarden aged daughter to the school bus in the morning, and I could tell they were in a rush. Their presence was barely noticed by myself as I was trying to tell my brain that I like Mexican people and there is no reason to be so upset about a few individuals who have made me upset. As I approached the gate to my street I noticed the rushing family and the little Mexican girl waiting at the gate. She had stayed behind from her rushing family to hold open the gate for me. There was nobody else there, just us, and as I walked through the gate without a word she ran off to catch up to her mom and brother.

I guess I can't be upset about the limits other people put on themselves, but perhaps when we limit ourselves we inadvertently rob others of a new opportunity to experience something new since we are all unique. Then again there are moments when none of that matters because a child who doesn't see skin color can show how limited we all are, and can bring the hope that all people can get along if they want to.

Shaken Perceptions

So tonight my Uncle called me out of the blue. He lives in Utah and I rarely get to see him. Growing up my Uncle was always my hero because he was a ton more spiritually and emotionally involved in my life then my dad ever could be. At this thought I realize how thankful I am for how physically present my dad always was in my life... which was probably a huge deal for him never having a dad himself. Anyway, he called me to tell me some of the thoughts he was having about God and how he has been feeling about relating to God in his own life.

Any other person I would have turned a deaf ear to, but not my Uncle. He has always taken opportunities to engage me in theological and spiritual conversations because this is something of great importance to him. I used to just casually listen and silently agree with most of what he had to say, but now the tone in his voice is different. My Uncle recently was divorced after a 17 year marriage, and his perspective on love, God, and relationships has been very much affected by that. I realized tonight that the trauma of losing one's ideals can be so crippling. Some people go on to never idealize anything again so as not to feel that pain, and others try to indulge in every ideal situation only to be left empty again.

I hesitate to say this, but I really feel like these types of situations fall under the age old, "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger," category. I say this because my Uncles idealism about church and God now seems tempered by the sting of the un-ideal situation most people refer to as real life. What inspired me most about our conversation was the point at which we were discussing passion.

Passion is quite a buzz word, whose ulterior meaning is suffering by the way, that has such an attractive connotation to so many people. I proceeded to explain to my Uncle that I am passionless. I have no uncontrollable desire to do anything, and I generally find people rather repulsive and untrustworthy. I used to feel like I loved everyone. Like there was nothing anyone could do to hurt me because I would take the higher road; I would do the right thing constantly. It was like a drug. Now I don't feel that way, and I really don't know what to do.

This is the part that will always stay with me. My Uncle proceeded to say something to the tune of, "well, I think it is OK that you feel that way. That passion you felt before was contrived, and the lack of false passion is the beginning of real passion."

It is OK to feel passionless. You may not feel attractive or desirable in the process, but don't shut off. The lack of feeling passionate is the firebrand of passion. That is amazing. If people accept you tell them everything you know, and if people do not accept you don't even bother with them for another minute.

As long as you believe in the truth, you hold the truth, you are the truth, and you deliver the truth. No matter how you feel about what the truth should be. It will be seen in and through you despite you, and that is the highest calling a person can attain to: Representing the truth.

Smell of the Sickle

Do you ever have those moments where you just feel like something major is going to happen? Like you are on the brink of disaster or your need to prepare to face a great challenge? Like death is looming around? But at the same time there is a feeling of great excitement and expectation?

Perhaps it is a misconception of my mind. That all the new beginnings I see somehow mean the end of what has been for so long. I just hope that my preconceptions are wrong. I guess, just like most people, when someone I love goes to another country it causes me worry and distress. I'm a worst case scenario type of guy.

There are a lot of people in my life that I cannot loose. I just can't say I love them enough. I just can't be any more grateful. I know there is a God and God gives and takes away.

I just want to take a minute and say thanks for giving and regardless of how it all ends my heart will truly remain yours forever.

Toxins are real

So a little update from my previous blog...

This weekend I found out the limit my body can handle toxins... not fun.

Note to everyone... when in physical therapy or at any point when toxins are roaming free in your body en masse, do yourself a favor, don't drink and smoke the night away two nights in a row.

I really think I almost died this weekend. I have never felt so sick. My self-diagnosis is toxin OD. I poisoned myself... Lesson learned.

Cigarettes are in the trash... and I am not drinking like I planned to this weekend at Matty B's bachelor party.

I still feel like I got run over by a car and I am going to see Death Cab tomorrow night. Maybe their sadness will make me feel better as is seems to lately.

Twisted and Shout

Do you know that when you work out extensively and/or strain your muscles you are actually tearing your muscles? This is good for one reason: Whatever gets torn gets rebuilt stronger. So when you get all torn up your body fixes itself using the nutrients you take in to reform muscle tissue stronger then it was before. Now if you incur a muscle related injury that disallows the muscles to repair themselves in the correct alignment your muscles still repair themselves, but the injury prevents these muscles from healing in their natural alignment. Therefore, the healed muscles become what are referred to as knots or twisted up muscle tissue. Many people have stress related knots, injury related knots, and other twisted muscles in their body, but are unsure of how to deal with them so they remain knotted. This is rather unhealthy because knotted muscles disallow the free flow of nutrients, oxygen, and blood through the parts of the body that are knotted as well the muscles begin to swell taking up invaluable space for joints and ligaments to move efficiently. These swollen muscles cause discomfort in the body and also are a harbor for toxins that are supposed to be washed through the body. At this point the muscles need to be realigned, and that is where massage comes in. The general idea of massage is to assist blood flow, break bad muscle bonds, and to alleviate knotted muscles by realigning them to the natural positions. Massage unwinds the twisted muscles, and not much unlike a dirty drain, once the muscles unwind all the toxins and bad bond tissue that were comfortably rotting for so long become released into the body.

I have learned this over the past week as I have been doing physical therapy for my legs and shoulders , which apparently have been heavily knotted for almost 2 years. My therapist, Jason, is a big burly man who digs his elbows into my highly sensitive quads, hams, calves, buttocks, and shoulders twice a week. It hurts like a bitch, it is expensive, but I really feel like in the end this is a wise decision as I do want to be able to walk when I am 50.

It is just so interesting to learn about the things that happen in my body that I have control over but in the end I don't. The better I eat the more nutrition rich my blood is, and the more I exercise the more oxygen rich my blood is, but when it comes down to it I can only help my body I don't control it. My muscles knot, I can try to stretch, drink water, and exercise moderately, but ultimately I never know if I will cramp up or run like a champion. So I guess all I can do is my best. I think that rule applied over ones life is a good standard of practice.

I want to do my best in every situation, and when I get knotted up I want to make sure there are people I can call to help me unwind.

The Right White

How can I forget about my past when it was so simple? Everything meant so much all the time. Every detail was analyzed and every moment was the first of many to come. There was so much that was right and wrong, and there was a reason to hold on to what was right. I thought that if I did the right things that when I was older it would be easier to continue doing right things, and that somehow it would all pay off. I remember the smile of my old ex from just after high school. The love we shared, the laughs, vacations, Holidays, and how we spoke so assuredly about our promising future together. We were beautiful.

Ironically, our relationship ended because I felt I was doing the right thing. It destroyed both of us. In many ways I envy her because at least everyone is aware of how fucked up her life became. I, on the other hand, appeared unscathed, and it seems I still retain what she let go of over 6 years ago. I let it go now and again, but when it comes down to it I will never forget her smile. To this day it is unmatched, and my optimism is on the wane for another of that caliber.

I feel pathetic, but I wonder right now if it were my son and if it was our mobile home.

However, I always remind myself of the strong possibility that perhaps I just want the past back, not her, and I am extraordinarily intimidated by the future because I am longing for the past in my present.

But all the philosophies and psychologies in the world can't erase that smile.

This rough and tumble road towards imperfection

Too many alarm buzzing snooze hitting mornings
I eat traffic for breakfast cooking at 79 mph just in case
Slurping that office cereal gauging my day email by email

Technological battle ground ready armed with laser mouse and keyboard
Take the bite off the tongue and let it roll through the fingers
Torrents of immediacy and stagnation of procrastination

Casual conversation and overpriced calories
Blurry eyed MySpace hopes and much needed distraction
Maximizing and minimizing programs to look really important

Furrowed brow and intent stare to avoid chit chat
Deeper thoughts of futuristic successes and adventures
Justifying the present as a necessary evil

Walk to dinner drink some beer hope to make some friends
Smoke a cig and watch the clouds while walking on them
Play the guitar to the fireworks out the window

Wrestle the dog until we've both had enough
Grab the keys and go see the boys over more beer
Avoid much sports detail, but enjoy the moment

Tell the whole world.

Waffley Good Day

This morning I went on a ride from Santa Ana down to San Juan Capistrano to the LAST organic fruit stand in the OC to get some produce. Matt, my new housemate, and I grabbed some fruits and veggies and threw them in our backpack and headed to the train station to get back to Santa Ana. We got home, cleaned up, and Krista, Matt's wife, joined us to help making apricot whole-wheat waffles topped with crushed honey almonds, vanilla bean syrup, and fresh locally grown blueberries.

I feel so green and clean like the city dirt has been scoured off of me with the sharp side of an aloe vera plant.

Sweet Nothings

Contradiction is the essence of life, and the basis of religion.

People gain hope by having faith in something that is perfect.

The rest are different ways to get yourself to that perfection.

Faith, hope, and love. The greatest of these is love.

And none of those will ever pass away.

Another Moment of Socio-Religious Dialogue

Tonight I was reminded of a trip I once took to Hsi Lai Temple. This is one of the largest Buddhist Temples in the United States, and it is right off Beach Blvd. in Hacienda Heights. When I was there I was introduced to several Buddhist ideas that I still remember from the tour.

Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe there is a Buddhist philosophy that states something along the lines of, "Whatever you can identify and understand, you can overcome." Take for instance Alcoholics Anonymous. The first steps is to admit you have an alcohol problem, and you are powerless to overcome it. Then you begin taking steps to strengthen yourself in order to build the will to overcome your powerlessness over your addiction. Eventually the more you understand your power vs. your weakness the more you are able to operate in your power because of your understanding of your weakness.

Naturally, being the Philosopher that I wish I could be, I was wondering how this compared to a generalized Christian Philosophy, and why our society insists on constructing walls between religions instead of gaining more insight through different perspectives. I think this Buddhist Philosophy is very helpful to many people who have a need to gain spiritual strength.

There are certainly Christian ideals that run the same lines. However, I think there, generally is a misunderstanding on the Christian side. I think some Christian people believe they can admit they are powerless to overcome something, but instead of taking the initiative to allow a higher power to support their efforts to become healthy, they abandon the responsibility to the higher power. An example would be: I am powerless to quit drinking. God stop me from drinking. Amen. This is fallacy. Now, I am not trying to say that the Buddhists have it right all the way, but I think it is obvious that the abandonment theory probably doesn't work out for many people. Again not ALL Christians do this, but I have been around... been there done and seen that.

Here is the thing... there has to be some external benefit for the individual to desire change. For the Buddhist I believe it is enlightenment, liberation, and ultimately Nirvana. For the Christian it is eternal bliss in Heaven, and permanent communion with God eternally. This is where the difference in ideal perspective, in my opinion, rests. The Buddhist admits weakness to become enlightened or to overcome weakness, and the Christian overcomes weakness by understanding weakness. This is complicated. Christianity from what I know musters strength from weakness, and Buddhism taps into existing strength by identifying weakness.

The funny thing is that in our culture the two ideals are so intertwined that it is hard to distinguish them from one another... not to mention post-modern secular humanism couldn't give half a rat's ass for either method because it chants, "In reason we trust." I just think it is hilarious to see, especially these three, philosophies constantly screwing people, including myself, in the head. It is hard to make a decision when all your ideals contradict each other.

If anyone ever wants to goo to Hsi Lai I am so down... the vegetarian buffet there is amazing, the view is beautiful, and it is overall a peaceful way to spend an afternoon. Lets GO!

Estrogen Fix

Can't say much because I need to go to bed, but I have to say that I watched two chic-filcs today that are worth a mention.

The first was Enchanted, which I immediately pegged as grossly obnoxious, but eventually fell in love with. I'm just going to have to come of of the closet and say it, I really love musicals. It was so over the top, so mushy, so lovey dovey, and so unrealistic that it captured my heart.

The second was P.S. I Love You. Again, not a big Swank fan, and I am admittedly tired of the studly Irish musician love stories. A la Once, and August Rush. OK I can name three Irish dude romance movies... Anyway, again thought the movie would be totally lame, but seriously it had a very compelling honesty to it. Movies, relationally speaking, are, in my estimation, becoming far more realistic, and I will tip my hat to that as I see at as socially responsible. I did check out for a little while in the middle of this movie, but over all I was very touched and inspired by the story.

I love my mom. I love my sisters. Happy estrogen day.

(I swear I was raised on the stuff. A mom and three sisters... I'm an estrogen baby)